Tell Ur Boyfriend if He Says He Has Beef That Im a Vegetarian and I Ainã¢â‚¬â„¢t Fuckin Scared of Him
165 Jokes So Bad They're Actually Funny
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
Sometimes a bad joke is just that: a bad joke. But some jokes are so jaw-droppingly ridiculous that they transcend their own awfulness to reach a higher plane of funny. Try as you may not to laugh, we're all, on some level, powerless to jokes that revel in their own cringe-iness. To prove it, we've rounded up 165 of our favorite bad jokes. And we're talking jokes so bad they come full circle into being actually hilarious.
Bad Dad Jokes
- Why was the math teacher late to work? She took the rhombus.
- I'm really excited for the next autopsy club. It's open Mike night!
- Where do spiders seek health advice? WebMD.
- What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K? "HDMI."
- My daughter thinks I don't give her enough privacy. At least that's what she wrote in her diary.
- A friend of mine got into photographing salmon in different clothing. He said he liked shooting fish in apparel.
- Why can't you trust an atom? Because they make up everything.
- I'd like to go to Holland someday. Wooden shoe?
- The guy that invented the umbrella was gonna call it the brella. But he hesitated.
- Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs. It's also their biggest import.
- What kind of car runs on leaves? An autumn-mobile!
- I tried to organize a professional Hide-and-Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find.
- Before the invention of the wheel… everything was a drag!
- What do you call it when Dwayne Johnson buys a cutting tool? Rock pay-for scissors.
- What do you call a hippie's wife? A Mississippi!
- What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick? Put it on my bill!
- What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto!
- What do you give to a sick lemon? Lemon aid!
- What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain? Hi Cliff!
- Why are there gates around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in!
- What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
- What do bees do if they need a ride? Wait at the buzz stop!
- What do you call a monkey that loves Doritos? A chipmunk!
- Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!
- Do you remember that joke I told you about my spine? It was about a weak back!
- I just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
- When's the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie!
- Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they're bagels!
- What do you call a farm that makes bad jokes? Corny!
- Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
- What kind of streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
- What do you tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast!
- What kind of dogs love car racing? Lap dogs!
- What did Winnie the Pooh say to his agent? "Show me the honey!"
- What do you call birds who stick together? Vel-crows.
- Today I gave my dead batteries away. They were free of charge.
- What do you call it when one cow spies on another? A steak out!
- What happens when a frog's car breaks down? It gets toad!
- What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but its flag is a big plus!
- My favorite word is "drool." It just rolls off the tongue.
- Why is Peter Pan always flying? He neverlands.
- I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it.
- What does a zombie vegetarian eat? "Graaaaaaaains!"
- My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, it's also terrible.
- What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? "Oh sheet!"
- Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs? 'Cause the cow's got the udder!
- How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
- What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield? Its butt.
- What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? "Supplies!"
- Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion!
- It's inappropriate to make a "dad joke" if you are not a dad. It's a faux pa.
- What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? "Robin, get in the car."
- I have an addiction to cheddar cheese. But it's only mild.
- Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil? Because it's pointless!
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
- What did the buffalo say when his son left? Bison!
- I was sitting in traffic the other day. Probably why I got run over.
- What's red and shaped like a bucket? A blue bucket painted red.
- What don't ants get sick? They have anty-bodies.
- What do you call a fish with no eye? Fsh.
- Why do you smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.
- When is your door not actually a door? When it's ajar.
- What's green, fuzzy, and would hurt if it fell on you out of a tree? A pool table.
- A communist joke isn't funny unless everyone gets it.
- What did one dish say to the other? Dinner is on me!
- What does a house wear? Address!
- Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
- Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
- What do you call someone who immigrated to Sweden? Artificial Swedener.
- Have you heard the one about the corduroy pillow? It's making headlines.
- What's the dumbest animal in the jungle? A polar bear!
- I'm thinking about removing my spine. I feel like it's only holding me back.
- Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
- I'm terrified of elevators so I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.
- Have you heard of the band 923 Megabytes? Probably not, they haven't had a gig yet.
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ReallyBad Jokes
- Where do mansplainers get their water? From a well, actually.
- Why are social media influencers afraid when they go to the woods alone at night? They're constantly being followed.
- I will never understand why manslaughter is illegal. Men should be able to laugh at whatever they want.
- What did the green grape say to the purple grape? "Breathe, damn it! Breathe!"
- I put my root beer into a square glass. Now it's just beer.
- They told me a mask was enough to get into the supermarket. They lied, everybody else was also wearing pants.
- Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves. Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
- I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.
- I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation. Never again.
- My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the National Zoo.
- What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
- Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
- I like to spend every day as if it's my last. Staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me more pudding.
- I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
- I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.
- My dad's answer to everything is alcohol. He doesn't drink, it's just that he's really bad at crossword puzzles.
- Where did the computer go dancing? The disc-o!
- What do you call a dangerous sun shower? A rain of terror!
- I used to hate facial hair but then it grew on me.
- What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
- How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.
- I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but then I turned myself around.
- Why didn't the astronaut come home to his wife? He needed his space.
- What's the most terrifying word in nuclear physics? "Oops!"
- I watched hockey before it was cool. They were basically swimming.
- There's no hole in your shoe? Then how'd you get your foot in it?
- A cowherd counted 48 cows on his property. But when he rounded them up, he had 50.
- When the two rabbit ears got married, it was a nice ceremony. But the reception wasamazing.
- Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was too tired.
- A chicken coup only has two doors. If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
- Three fish are in a tank. One asks the others, "How do you drive this thing?"
- Why don't crabs donate? Because they're shellfish.
- What did Blackbeard the pirate say when he turned eighty? "Aye, matey."
- How does your feline shop? By reading a catalogue.
- It's hard to teach kleptomaniacs humor. They take things so literally.
- Sunny-side up, scrambled, or an omelet? It doesn't matter. They're all eggcellent.
- Don't worry if you miss a gym session. Everything will work out.
- Ever tried to eat a clock? It's time-consuming.
- Who can jump higher than a house? Pretty much anyone.
- What do an apple and an orange have in common? Neither one can drive.
- Why did the businessman invest in Smith & Wollensky? He wanted to stake his claim.
- Five guys walk into a bar. You think one of them would've seen it.
- This sweet ride has four wheels and flies. It's a garbage truck.
- How many bugs do you need to rent out an apartment? Ten-ants.
- I want to go camping every year. That trip was so in tents.
- Wait, you don't want to hear a joke about potassium? K.
- How do you organize a space-themed hurrah? You planet.
- Your ex. That's the punchline.
- How do you feel when there's no coffee? Depresso.
- I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? "Stay out of those places!"
- What do you give a sick bird? Tweetment.
- Where did the king keep his armies? Up his sleevies.
- What are the biggest enemies of caterpillars? Dogerpillers.
- What do you call an empty can of Cheese Whiz? Cheese Was.
- What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach? "It's not you, it's a-me!"
- What's the award for being best dentist? A little plaque.
- What did the finger say to the thumb? I'm in glove with you.
- What do you call a magician dog? A labracadabrador.
- What concert costs only 45 cents? 50 Cent and Nickelback.
- What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast.
- Who invented the round table? Sir Cumference.
- What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung? The guardians of the Galaxy.
- There are three types of people in the world. Those of us who are good at math and those of us who aren't.
- What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? Cashew!
- Why do ghosts love elevators? Because it lifts their spirits.
- What's the best way to carve wood? Whittle by whittle.
- Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots? He was picking his nose.
- What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.
- How can you make seven an even number? Just take away the "s"!
- What did the lawyer wear to court? A lawsuit!
- What do you call HIJKLMNO? H20!
- How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Just follow the fresh prints!
- What did the clock do when it was hungry? It went back four seconds.
- What do you call a dog with no legs? You can call him whatever you want, he's still not coming.
- I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, you want to see how far I can kick this bucket?"
- What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
- Why did the man get fired from his job at the calendar factory? He took a couple days off!
- Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? Because he always gets a hole in one!
- Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he eventually woke up!
- What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep? Well, now, all of them.
- Why did the teacher love the whiteboard? She just thought it was remarkable!
- A guy told me, "Nothing rhymes with orange." So I replied, "No it doesn't."
- If you're American when you go in the bathroom and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom? European!
- What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
- Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it'd be a foot.
- Did you hear the rumor about butter? Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.
- What did the drummer call his two twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two.
- I'm not a big fan of stairs. They're always up to something.
- What do you call a boomerang that never comes back? A stick.
- What to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it's tearable.
Source: https://bestlifeonline.com/actually-funny-bad-jokes/
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